Second Base: The Easiest Position in Softball

Second base is simple.  There are no throws to dig out across the diamond.  Most balls are hit to third or short and the rest hit the outfield.  On a double play comebacker to the pitcher, the shortstop takes the bag and then "twists it" to first.  Most infield pops can easily be handled by the pitcher or shortstop.  The catcher gets all the smack-downs and the outfielders have to use their speed and abuse their bodies by running into the fence and making all-out dives.

Yes, the life of a second baseman is easy.  All he needs to do is take the shovel pass from short and flip it to first.  Most outs are a simple grab of a soft toss.  Every once in a while, second base has to go play the simple cut-off guy in the outfield grass and then just throws it where the infield commander yells for him to throw the ball.

So, if it's that easy, why am I so bad at it?

Last night, my softball team went up against our fierce rivals.  Our team has been together for three years and during that time, we have grown into a cohesive team unit.  Each of us knows the job we have to do and just about all of us do it well. All of us, that is, except me.

Sure, I can hit.  I can run.  And I can even do a take-out slide at second base.  I know how to run down the second base line and pretend to forget to peel off during a double play so the second baseman has to wait on the throw to first.  I did that successfully twice last night.  I know how to take a ball or two and then wait for my meatball pitch.  I definitely know how to cheer on my teammates and slap them hard on the back and the top of their heads.  I am good at trying to fire the bench up.

But, my defense.....

Last night, out of nine innings, I had eight good ones, defensively.  The unspeakable inning commenced as follows:

Lead-off hitter. A hot grounder was headed my way.  I set myself, dropped my glove to the flat flight of the ball and watched it fly right between my legs.  He ended up on second with a two-base error.

Oh!  You think that's funny!  How about this one, then.  Another hot shot to my right.  I heard short stop yell my name and I went for it hard.  I got the ball in my glove and the ball and glove kept going.  The glove stayed on my hand while the ball, considerably slower now, rolled around the shallow outfield, teasing the charging center-right fielder.  Two runs scored.

And if that wasn't bad enough,  an opponent hit a sharp single in the air out to center right field.  I went out as fast as my long lopey legs could carry me.  As the cut-off, our center-right fielder threw a perfect bean, right into my old crappy glove.  As I caught the ball, I heard these words...


THREE!  HOME..HOME!  THREEEEEEEE!  THREEEEEE!!!  NO HOOOME!!!!  THREEEEEE!  So, naturally, I twisted around, didn't plant myself, and threw the ball right between those two bases, splitting the difference.  After all, I did what I was told to do, right?  The bases were cleared with the hitter ending up at third.  Three more runs.

Pathetic. I worked for thirty one years to build up my whipsaw of an arm (by drinking Mountain Dew and eating Snickers and Pearson Salted Nut Rolls) to be able to throw twenty feet at a good clip and I blew the play that might have saved the season for us.  DOH!

Well.  Let's look at the bright side - I didn't get an oblique strain and my bilateral leg weakness is getting better (inside joke for the remaining Minnesota Twins fans.).

I can't wait until next game to redeem myself.

Until then, I'll just click these red shoes together and say, "Second base is simple...Second base is simple...Second base is simple....Secon..."

The Rogue "pastoral" Team: Act Four wherein Annah Threatens To Kill Zach

Start from Act One
Incongruous Circumspection was threatened by Mark and Annah's Henchman! 
Aww...the Henchman Apologizes...Sort of 
Mark Reid Tries to Preach Out of a Jam

In Act Three, Annah Reid summed up the life of Joseph by inserting her ideas into the story, rather than reading the story for what it was.  This is the formula for the “theology” of Christian hierarchy.  It’s stupid.  It’s asinine.  It’s confusing.  In the end, the teacher of this crap reaps all the rewards she wants – full and unquestioned obedience.

In this act, she gets really weird.  She rambles and tries to toss in a bunch of unrelated points to make a conclusion that never really concludes.  I’ll attempt to translate and of course, add my thoughts.

Let’s move forward…

*****

Annah continued:  Your mom, you might think God gave you the wrong mom – maybe not. Maybe you don't [have the wrong mom]. He gave you the right mom. God did. I'll tell you why. Because God is trying to work in your character. He'll deal with her. He's dealing with you. He's dealing with you, Zach, in honoring a father and mother – honoring a mom when she says, "No", "Yes", whatever, it doesn't matter what you think. It's not up to the child. Well, can I or can't I know if it's abusive? Wrong! It can't be abusive…

I grew up with Zach.  My mom and dad were divorced in 1987 when I was seven and Zach was two.  Before long, my mother discovered Billy Boy G. (the almighty Bill Gothard) and many other patriarchal teachers and pamphlets.

I remember one pamphlet.  It was pink.  It contained a few hundred words that would most likely resemble a how-to book by Michael Pearl.  It sang the virtues of spanking your children and then hugging them after you beat them to show that you really did love them, even though you hit them.  It was an eye opener for my mother and she decided to practice on us right then and there.

Yes.  You read that right.  My six siblings and I had done nothing wrong that day, which was unusual at best, and she decided to beat us and then love us to get some practice swings and squeezes in.

This began years of abuse which included beating heavy wooden brushes on our heads, too many times to count.  We were spanked in intervals of six, which grew to intervals of eighteen, which grew to intervals of three times eighteen, which grew to intervals of three times eighteen on our bare behinds.  This lasted until the oldest of us was twenty five.  I got out of that hell hole when I was nineteen years old.  I could go on for hours, detailing the horrible acts of my mother – whom I love dearly – but what I have said already is enough to prove a point.

What on earth does Annah think she is telling Zach that our mother’s actions weren’t abuse?  Annah is sick and very dangerous.  If she is telling Zach to shake it off and honor his mother, while denying that what she did to him for years was abuse, I fear for all the other children she has under her tutelage.  Children that aren’t an adult like Zach and have nowhere to go.  Would she also tell them to suck it up and be abused by their parents and enjoy it?  After all, it’s building character!

…But Joseph was abused….

Huh?  Zach wasn’t abused but Joseph was?  Not following…

…Chains around his feet….

Um, chains around his feet?  Really?  Where is that in the story of Joseph?

…Walked through a desert. Coat taken off…

Walked through a desert?  Seriously, where is THAT in the story of Joseph.  This narration is getting too wordy to try to prove a point that just ain’t there. 

Also, if you had to walk through the desert, wouldn’t you be blessing your brothers for taking it off and ripping it to pieces?  I hope Annah knows that its kinda hot in the desert sun.  A coat is not a good idea.

…[Had to] go serve the executor of the nation. [The executor would say], "Smart off to me, you get your head cut off." …

Now this is USDA Choice Grade A material!  Where is THAT in the story of Joseph????????!!!!

Let’s see.  Joseph was blessed by God in everything he did.  So Potiphar gave him charge of everything he had, except for his food.  Potiphar’s wife got all horny and tried to jump Joseph’s bones.  Joseph would have none of it.  And what did Potiphar do?  He threw Joseph in prison.  So, according to what Potiphar was told, Joseph messed around with his wife.  Joseph got prison.  And Annah says that a simple mouthing off would be grounds for Potiphar to cut Joseph’s head off?  Again, Annah makes a point that just isn’t there.

But, it gets worse.  This is actually a very sinister statement.  Essentially, Annah is threatening Zach.  She is putting herself and Mark in the place of Potiphar and Zach would be Joseph.   Then, she says, “Mouth off to us and you get your head chopped off!”   Sucks for her that she lives in America and that sort of action is a tad frowned upon.

…He (Joseph) was with the executor.  Potiphar was the chief executor…

Why does she have to keep reminding Zach of that?

…He (Joseph) had to learn humility….

Annah.  Let me repeat what I have said already.  JOSEPH DID NOT HAVE TO LEARN HUMILITY!  Nowhere in that story was there a reference to Joseph’s insubordination or pride that needed to be wrung out of him.

...He probably had to like – I was talking to Michelle (another member of Freedom Christian Center) yesterday: some teacher was yelling at her, she (Michelle) said, "Annah, I just shut my mouth. I wanted so bad to react to her." But see, God's trying to teach us all humility.

Sure.  Bring in a straw man…er…woman.  This is a classic debate move.  When you seem to not be getting your point across, add an excerpt of another person that got the picture better than your debate opponent.

This is bad, though.  Annah is teaching her underlings that Christians are supposed to let others walk all over them.  Christians are not supposed to argue their point.  Christians are supposed to never get angry, but rather straighten their arms flat against their sides, take a deep breath, and let the punches come.

There are many ways to react to an idiot yelling at you.  But looking at people being idiots as God molding humility in you is just plain sick.  We must answer folly with folly.  Sure, love people, as Christ commanded.  Wouldn’t it be love if we told others where they could improve, i.e., that teacher that was yelling at Michelle?   According to Annah, it is more righteous to enable them.

Why is this important to Annah?  Because she is the teacher yelling and Zach is Michelle.  That is her point.  She wants to set up all her subordinates to take it on the chin when she reprimands them.  That’s humility, right?

…And so our pride is only stripped off by God putting us through the test of submission.  And if you can't submit, then you can't rule.  You can't rule.  If you can't submit, you can't rule…

What the …??!!!!  Seriously?  Wow.  If you can’t submit, you can’t rule.  You can’t rule unless you submit.  And, Zach, by the way, YOU CAN’T RULE!!!! Where does this come from?

Galatians 5:13 - 15:  

13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.14 For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

Where does rule come in here?  We’re called to love, serve, and treat people like we want ourselves treated.

Let’s name a few people who ruled just fine and never submitted, whatever that means.

·         Attila the Hun

·         Ivan the Terrible

·         Benito Mussolini

·         Mao Zedong

·         Idi Amin

·         Leopold II of Belgium

·         Josef Stalin

·         Queen Ranavalona I of Madagascar

·         Adolf Hitler

·         Vlad III the Impaler

You get the point.  None of these people learned humility or how to submit – and yet they ruled.  They were pure evil to boot.  But, that doesn’t prove Annah is right.  They still ruled, even though they were evil.

But, we don’t need to get comical to again understand what Annah is saying here:

She learned to submit (really?), so now she has the right to rule.  Whatever.  Be a servant of all.  Love others and you will do what Christ asked you to.  Forget this stupid hierarchical system of Christianity.

…And so all of – because I was just reading this article on loyalty that Bob Sorgee gave, and he was a worship leader, he was a pastor of a huge church; he lost his voice. God said, "Do you know what? You don't get a voice anymore." He took his voice away from him, and he has not been able to sing or lead worship for years. (Zach says: To my understanding, Bob Sorgee blew out his vocal cords by giving a really loud shout one day, and hasn't recovered from his injury) And all he can do now is write books on the voice of God. Not talk. And it's humbling for him. I mean, he had to go through the fire. But what he was saying is that loyalty and the stripping off is that God uses our circumstance to humble us…

Don’t know much about Bobby.  But, from what I see here, I don’t want any of it, if that is what he preaches.  He did something stupid by yelling too loud and killing his voice for good, if that in fact happened.  Why would we blame God for our mistakes? 

Let’s do a reinterpretation of this:  Bobby blew out his cords by yellin’ a serious shoutin’ scream.  He realized his voice wasn’t coming back.  He had found pleasure in preaching and teaching and singing, but now it was all lost.  So, rather than feel sorry for himself, he decided to play the hand that was dealt to him and began a ministry of writing.  

Maybe Bobby deemed not being able to sing or speak as humbling.  That’s an awesome story on his part.  But, it doesn’t prove a principle that we will only learn humility when the almighty evil God strikes us down one day.  Why do people create this theology where God is up there throwing lightning bolts like Zeus?  If you falter – BAM!  If you trip – BAM!  If you don’t smile – BAM!  If you think naughty thoughts – BAM!  If you hate your brother - BAM!

Whatever.  You’re covered.  Enjoy the hell out of it.  And I mean that literally.

You’ll find a common thread in “leaders” like Annah.  Everyone ELSE needs to learn humility and submission – not the leader!  They are in the position they are in BECAUSE they already mastered that stuff.  The wheels start to fall off the train when some of their subordinates master submission and humility and then start inserting their ideas and disagreements.  Then, that whole philosophy starts to turn into one heck of a pretzel.

When someone’s theology has more clauses than Arnold and Maria’s prenup, it’s time to figure it out by yourself.  Don’t worry, we all have the Holy Spirit to guide us in that process.  We don’t need the strong man or woman.

...But if Joseph would've reared his head to Potiphar, reared his head to the rulers down in the prison – you know, like, I don't know if you – did you honor me and listen to that CD?

Did you fall out of your chair yet?  Annah is threatening Zach again.  If I were Zach, I would break down the door to her office and steal all her machetes and firearms she has hidden away in her church closet, waiting for the day when she forces her followers to drink the kool-aid while waiting for the ship behind the comet.  This is really dangerous talk.  Pathetic.  Cowardice.

It’s also pure, unadulterated bullcrap.  We’ve been over the fact that Joseph wasn’t a prideful nut job and Potiphar cutting Joseph’s head off for insubordination was inconsistent with the reality of the text.

But, Annah cutting Zach’s head off because he didn’t listen to the CD is more believable.  There is a small problem here – Zach hasn’t even told her whether or not he listened to the CD on Joseph.

*****

As I said, it’s getting worse.  Annah Reid is proving herself to be a psychopath.  She has threatened figurative murder for Zach’s rebellion and dishonor.  She has assumed Zach didn’t listen to a CD she asked him to listen to.  The only reason she wanted him to listen to it is because she felt it strengthened her cultic case for Annah being in authority over her “worthless, prideful, un-submissive, Christian children.”

Act Five will reveal that Annah is God.

We Bought a Bloody Rainforest!

In January of this year, we bought a new house.  It is a huge 4500+ square foot Victorian "Mansion".  I put that one in quotes because we were also looking at a 32,000 square foot home on 64 acres that would run $62,000 a year in property taxes alone, at the time.  So, we settled for something more practical, not to mention, my small pittance of a paycheck wouldn't have even covered the bill.

The house sits in an old area of town on a half acre plot of land.  The previous owners had used it as a bed and breakfast and had developed a landscaping disease.  There were heart shaped rock formations, surrounded by that black rubber crap from the local big box hardware store.  Two grotesque looking lions guarded the front sidewalk - immoveable, on account of the rough, diamond shaped concrete pads they sat on.  Every tree known to man had been introduced to the landscape, forced into zone four, regardless of hardiness.

The much loved and much hated Arborvitae, in the form of a tree, grew taller than the house at one corner.  The bush form tried to cover the massive front window.  At forty degrees below zero, we watched that evil bush grow six inches in three days.  I firmly believe that, if we wanted to forest Antarctica and Death Valley, we could use Arborvitae.  I looked up the ideal growing zones for that garbage and there wasn't one growing zone, save a few of the nine moons of Jupiter that weren't included.  Arborvitae, along with the mosquito, were created the day Adam ate the grapefruit.  It just wasn't recorded in most versions of the Bible.

There were two small plastic ponds, a large water fountain, five million lights connected to switches and sockets by five hundred miles of electrical cords buried an inch or so underneath the grass.  A bulbous something or other sat in the middle of the back yard.  It was made of some hardened clay and was assumed to be a small fireplace but doesn't matter anymore because the kids shattered it.  All that crap and more.

But, the trees!  There are so many of them.  I don't know the brands, so I'll just name them by color.  There are about twenty brown trunked ones with green leaves, a grove of brown ones with smooth green needles, a white trunked one with really cool green leaves, and a bunch of really bushy brown ones that have these really smelly purple flowers all over them.  (The arborvitae was cut down the minute the snow melted).  What were these guys thinking!!!!

My little brussels sprout brought home a cabbage plant from school and asked me to plant it in the yard.  So I did.  It was in a fine sunny spot under a large tree.  The day was bright with sunshine and a little nippy in the early spring.  I knew a cabbage needed a fair amount of sun and the spot was just right.  Being that it was small, I figured the sticks and buds on the tree branches would split some of the hard falling rain drops forecast for that week and thus the small cabbage shoot wouldn't be smashed into the ground.

A week later, the leaves were out on the trees.  I looked out at the cabbage plant and it was in the dark.  If you go into my backyard at noon, you need a lousy mag lite to find your way around.  Once I heard Tarzan fly by my right ear and lost my boot to a crocodile.  The tree frogs jump around like mosquitoes in a Minnesota July.

The only way to get my daughters cabbage to grow into a few meals for us this fall is to cut a few trees down.  Maybe I'll just wait for this over-active tornado season to do the job for me.