Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Nancy Campbell Really Doesn't Have a Clue How Normal Society Functions

In the October 2013 issue of "Above Rubies," Nancy Campbell's magazine to "...encourage women in their high calling as wives, mothers, and homemakers," Nancy reveals that she really doesn't know how normal society - read: the rest of us - interact with each other.

It's quite obvious that she thinks we're all selfish nincompoops, disregarding family, hating children, and sitting around in front of television screens, watching pornography. If this describes you, then Campbell is correct. But I'll gander a guess that, while partaking in any one of the above activities I listed doesn't make you a naughty person at all, you don't live your life by every one of the above definitions all the time.

Nancy introduces this month's issue by talking about her gardening and how big her farm is. She lets the readers know that there are always children on her property. She's a grandmother, after all, with a lot of grandkids. But, as you read, you begin to get the innate sense that Nancy Campbell is talking down to the rest of humanity:
It is amazing that you can have so many young people come together without sending out invitations... We constantly enjoy celebrations and gatherings at our home. No need for organization. Just call the families and we have a huge crowd with loads of fun, antics, and fellowship.
While, to the untrained eye, one not well-versed in the language of a fundamentalist us vs. them superiority complex, this may look like normal conversation, a woman glowing about how great her life is - like a Facebook status. But it isn't. With fundamentalists, it never is.

See, Nancy thinks we don't know families with kids. She thinks that in order for us to have a house full of people, we need to send out invitations months ahead of time, order the inflatable jumping houses, buy oodles of pre-prepared foods from the deli, notify the city of the need for additional parking permits for the non-parking zone, and square off an area of the property for the kids, to rid us adults of their snot-nosed peskishness.

Also, we don't talk. We must just sit around on our phones, ignoring one another, with nothing better to do than write stupid and pointless blog posts like this one.

So, to all my friends that come to my house, to all my neighbors that eat all of my food, drink all of my beer, use all of my diapers, flush all of my toilets, use up all of my lawnmower gas, and make sure your methamphetamine customers don't walk on my lawn. To all of my enemies that still come around. To all of my kids that have birthday parties with adults and sometimes just kids - disorganized for adults, yet a blast for the kids. Yes, to all of you.

I'm sorry for being such a prudish bore.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Top 10 Things I Love About my Wife

Never has a gentleman loved a woman more than I love my wife, Kristine.  That is, unless you are reading this and disagree, claiming the title for yourself, or knowing of a sappy relative that puts my over-the-top enamorification to shame.

Below, I have compiled a list of her top ten attributes:

10. She laughs at all my jokes, no matter how many times she has heard then. Sure, she adds an eye roll that is getting larger in circumference by the year, but that is, many times, exactly the reaction I am looking for - and she knows it.

9. She is tireless with the kids and the house.  I know because I have my lazy moments (ok...days) and she seems to have none.  Without her, you could recite the Shel Silverstein poem, "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take the Garbage Out", and it would describe the rest of us perfectly.

8. [REDACTED] - *extended, romantic sigh

7. [REDACTED] - *even longer, extended, romantic sigh

6. She has enough ambition and motivation to put me to shame.  In a few short years, she will have two Bachelors degrees and a Masters.

5. She married me despite all the worries her father had. And she's even a daddy's girl.

4. She is the most beautiful woman this side of the sun - the whole package - and I am proud to walk down the street with her. 

3. She is very creative.  I should know.  The living room is rearranged every evening, when I get home from work.

2. [REDACTED]

1. [REDACTED (or muffled...I can't tell...something aboooout...nah...I just can't make it out)]

And that's it for the top ten.  I could do the top 50, where fewer items would be redacted, but I just don't have time.  She just got home from school.

I.C.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Should a Wife Submit to Her Husband?

Nope.




Update (3/7/2012):  WOW!  I don't know what to say.  I'm flattered!  This post has hit the viral standard on Incongruous Circumspection and is very quickly nearing the most popular post of all time here.  I know the subject is very popular and people at all levels of faith want a definitive answer to this question.  I think I gave a good one.  Please feel free to react in the comments below.