What My Kids Want for Christmas

I took my bride on a date and came up with a few Christmas present ideas for our six squirts. But our minds drew blanks as we stared into each others eyes, degrading into passionate kissing in the booth. Hey! We got a free drink out of the deal!

So, tonight, with Kristine on a plane back from The Big Easy, I plied the kids with hot chocolate and then begged them to tell me what they wanted for Christmas. Here was their list:

Renaya (11):

• A phone
• Wii Go Vacation game
• A gun (she wants to go hunting with her best friend)
• No clothes...except for maybe jeans (she was VERY adamant about this)
• Walkie Talkies for her and her best friend (this is her second choice, if she doesn't get a phone)
• A baby alligator (her mommy went to New Orleans and posed with one in the swamps...not sure what she'll do when the bloody thing grows up)
• Modeling clay (and possibly a kiln)

Laura (10):

• A gun
• Barbies (when I told her she had hundreds (the kids use them as bath toys), she switched this to clothes for Barbies)
•  Jeans
• A Kindle (originally, she wanted a Nook, but they serve Starbucks at Barnes and Nobles, the original owner of the brand, and David Barton says that drinking Starbucks is treasonous to America, so I was forced to steer her clear of anything connected to them)
• A wristwatch
• Modeling clay

Fred (8):

• A gun
• Authentic army clothes and gear (including a real knife, Nerf guns (not sure why the knife is real but not the guns), a hat, a jacket, shirt, pants, socks, and boots. He was very careful to list everything.)
• iPad
  

 Felicity (6):

• Backpack
• Bubble gum
• Shirt with a cat on it (pointing to her chest)
• Dance lessons (with a microphone so she can practice)
• Face painting set

Jack (4):

• A race car set

Then Jack stared straight ahead and began to cry. I asked him what was wrong and he wailed:

 I don't know anything eeeeeelse!

 D'awwwwwww....


Analisse (3):

• A present
• iPad

I'll also try and give them a better dad.

The Rogue "pastoral" Team: Act Sixteen - Zach is Ignorant

Start from Act One
Incongruous Circumspection was threatened by Mark and Annah's Henchman! 
Aww...the Henchman Apologizes...Sort of 
Mark Reid Tries to Preach Out of a Jam 


In Act Fifteen, we saw Mark call himself a prophet - one who has the power to anoint others with their churchly duties. Here, we'll watch these two idiots tell Zach that they are better than he is - because they've been Christians longer and know people.

 *********

Annah: But it also said that the prophet came and said, “You're no longer...” - and Samuel never ever, ever, talked to Saul after he said this to him: “Now it has been taken from  you, and it is placed on David.” A new king. He said, “Now, I'm going to take the anointing that God gave you, but because you did not submit to the prophet...” - he did not listen  to what was being told to him. He said, “Now I'm going to take that anointing, and I'm going to place it on another man.” And Samuel went out and he found that man. Now David didn't become king immediately, he had to go through the fire. He had to go through the cave life, and live there until the Saul was taken out of him...

Wait...What? The Saul in him? Interesting perspective not found in the Bible she is quoting from.

...Because God wasn't going to put another king in charge that had an attitude of non-submission...

 WHAT! Hahahaha! David didn't get to become king right away because he had an attitude of non-submission!? That's the most laughable interpretation of a bloody simple story I've ever heard. Nothing like trying to inject your own theology where it simply isn't. 

No, David just couldn't be king because Saul was king. It's pretty simple, as I said.
 

...Because all the Kingdom of God is about, Zach, if you read your Bible, READ it, it talks about submission through the whole Bible. It's all about submission: submission to the king, submission to where God places you. Joseph had to submit to the jailhouse. You think Joseph really wanted to be in that pit? No, but God was rooting out pride, because before he came before his brothers again, he was so broken, man, so humble, that he could not stand anymore in his pride and go, “Oo! Look what I've got: my coat; I've got dreams, and I'm ruling over you.”...

What!!!! Seriously, woman. STOP pretending shit is there when it isn't! 

See, this is the problem with NOT reading the Bible. All Christians should read it. If they don't they get hoodwinked by snake-oil salespeeps like Mark and Annah Reid, pretending that the Bible is, cover to cover, all about submission.  The fact of the matter is, the Bible is most definitely not singularly topical and anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

We've spoken at great length, in this series, about the story of Joseph, so I won't elaborate more than to say, Annah is flat wrong. The story of Joseph has nothing whatsoever to do with humility, pride, or even submission.

...God wants that – and you can go the opposite of going, “I don't want to be a worship leader. I'm never going to do that.” (Zach: mimicking my previous resignation) That's pride too! They're both pride. It's both pride. 'Cause you're just saying, “I'm not going to submit to the king.” That's basically what you're saying, Zach. “I'M not submitting to the King. I'm going to serve the God of my imagination out there, but I'm not serving to the King of kings Who tells me I have to submit to my leadership, come into my fullness.” And so what happens is, you know, you're young, you might come back some day and say, “Oh my gosh! Now I get it.” Maybe you won't. You know, or you can stay, and surrender, and submit...

So Annah and Mark are the kings who get to tell Zach when he can say he's not going to be the worship leader. According to the above words from Annah, if they "anoint" him to be the worship leader and, one day, he shows up and says he's finished, they have every right to say, "Nay nay! Not on our watch!" Then force him to stay. That Zach or anyone else may say that God told them to not be a worship leader anymore is irrelevant. They alone have the ability to say yes or no.

Zach: So it's that I don't get [the anointing] now.

Annah: No you don't!

Zach: So I'm leaving ignorant.

Annah: Yeah, you are.

Zach: ...and, “Wow! That kid doesn't know anything!”

Annah: No, you know some stuff, you know music, and you know some stuff, Zach, but, no, I don't think you really know that much.

 Wow. Just....wow. What an asshole, she is. Zach is 26 years old, by the way, at the time of this meeting.

Mark: Why don't you?

Really? You too, Mark? Jumping on the "Zach is a spiritual (and otherwise) idiot" bandwagon? Makes sense, really. You both are power hungry idiots.

Annah: I think you think you do.

Ah. The classic 'put him in his place' line. Annah knows everything and thus can see that, though Zach may be confident in who he is, knowledge, wisdom and all, she knows better.

Zach: I'm not saying I know everything. Everybody has their relationship with Jesus Christ.

Annah: I think that a humble person...

Zach: ...they don't need to dote it on somebody saying, “You've got to do it my way!”

Annah: ...I think, Zach, if you were humble, you would be willing to be teachable. I don't think you're teachable right now.

Teachable for what? Did he screw with your grand master plan by saying he was going to leave on his terms? Yeah. That must be it.

Mark: And maybe you don't respect us as leaders and don't think that WE know what we're doing.

Annah: Yeah.

Mark: And so that's not a good set either .

Annah: Uh uh...

Mark: ...ya know

Annah: 'Cause you have to respect your leaders

Mark: You know, you may be totally right, and we may not know what we're talking about, and so you shouldn't submit to us. But there's an outside chance that after being saved and in ministry as long as we have been ...

Annah: And the things that we've gone through ...

Mark:...and the relationships that we have, uh, with other leaders that have gone through a lot of the same things, that we might know what we're talking about.

And there you have it my friends. They played that card. Not only are they Zach's leaders, but they know people. And not only do they know people, but they've been Christians longer, so they get to lord it over Zach.

Zach: And I've gone through DIFFERENT things, and so whatever experience I bring should be able to work with you guys' experience, right?

Mark: Yes, but it won't lead our experience.

Hahahahahaha!!! How convenient. ZACH'S experience is NOTHING, compared to Mark and Annah's, thus, it is irrelevant.

That's about enough for this Act. Let's check in next time, in Act Seventeen, where Mark and Annah Reid try and explain to Zach that they really aren't saying they're better than he is, even though they are, but it's really about submission or Jesus or whatever.

How We Fight

The argument had been going on for hours. She was wrong and I was more right than I had ever been in my life. I wasn't about to let up now.

Fights with Kristine are epic in our house. We approach them differently. She is convinced that she is always correct in every way and yet, doesn't see the purpose in continuing an argument if we are just going in circles. But, in my view, the circles are important. They are a consequence of her not understanding that I am also 100% correct and thus see the need to reiterate my point of view as many times and from as many angles as is necessary to convince her.

Having had enough and needing to get away, she left the house, jumped in the car, and drove off, leaving her phone. I was devastated. Now, I couldn't contact her at all. I couldn't compromise, regret what I had done and apologize, maybe even swear at her in anger via text. Nothing. Every time I walked past her phone on the dresser, an adrenaline rush coursed through me.

I had left something unfinished! I needed to end this fight! I was right, she was wrong. But maybe it didn't matter anymore. Maybe her phone being left was a good thing. Maybe, just maybe, I could sit down and quietly consider other ideas and alternative points of view to my arguments without the bother of having her in the room to pummel them at.

An hour later, she arrived back home. I was calm, thoughtful, apologetic, maybe a tad frantic, slightly worried, and yet, most importantly, amiable, sensitive, and loving. For Kristine, jumping in the car and racing off had nothing to do with bringing me to my knees, whipped. Rather, she needed to clear her head. Continuing the argument was pointless.

Weeks later, we had another fight. In a moment of heated passion, I yelled,

You always get to drive off! One of these days, I'M going to do it!

To which she raised an eyebrow and responded,

Good! You should try it sometime!

So I did. I left. I stomped out the door, jumped in the car, and raced off. I made sure to take my phone with me so she could contact me. After all, I was the one who had left. It was now her turn to compromise, beg me to come home, swear at me over text, or do any number of things to "make up."

I drove out of town and into the country. Nothing. No text. No phone call. Nothing.

I drove out of the county. Still no text. No phone call. No blip on the radar from her. No car chasing me down behind me, her tear-stained face at the wheel, wanting me back.

"Maybe something is wrong with my phone," I thought, turning it off and on again.

Nope. Nothing. I crossed the state line into Wisconsin. On and on I drove. An hour went by. An hour and a half. I turned back toward home. Two hours. Two and a half hours. I arrived home.


Every single light was off in the house. The night was black with no moon. I walked in the door. Silence greeted me. I climbed the stairs to the bedroom. The door was open. I walked into the bedroom.

There, in the bed, lay Kristine, my beautiful wife - sleeping peacefully! I listened to the cadence of her breath in utter disbelief. She was actually sleeping deeply, quite relaxed.  I stumbled over to my side of the bed and sat on the edge, thinking.

And then it hit me. 

Our whole marriage, I had thought that she left to just be away from my presence, desiring to continue the argument or force me to compromise by being away. But that wasn't the case at all. I realized that we, as humans, many times treat each other the way we expect to be treated. And this situation was one of those times. Kristine let me "clear my head" on the road for those two and a half hours, knowing that she would appreciate doing the same.

And by the way, it had worked. My head was clear. The argument was deemed pointless. The fingers of sleep clutched at my eyes. So I stripped and cuddled up to her, and fell asleep.