Felicity Failed Her Spelling Test Miserably

Last night, I was at Costco with the family, eating their $9.95 pizza, cinnamon and sugar churros, frozen yogurt, and Mountain Dew, when Felicity (6) announced that she didn't do so well on her spelling test.

Felicity: "Daddy, I got 6 on my spelling test."

Me (33): "Oh?  Out of how many?"

"I got 6."

"Okay.  So which three words did you get wrong?"

"I. Don't. Know."

"What?!  'I' is easy!  And so are the other two words!"

[Blank stare...]

"Renaya (11), can you tell Felic how to spell 'I'?"

Renaya laughed and spelled it quickly.

[Realization flashes across Felicity's face and she rolls her eyes, lets out an audible grunt, coupled with a jokingly frustrated sigh]

"DaddeeeeEE!"

Cindy Jacobs Saw Jars of Oil Fill Up Before Her Very Eyes

Self-proclaimed prophet, Cindy Jacobs said that she has watched God fill up jars of oil, right before her eyes - a thinly veiled plagiarism to the Elisha story in the Old Testament.

We can know that Cindy Jacobs was telling a tall tale because, who in the hell, and everything worth anything, puts oil in jars anymore!!!!

She could have modernized it and said:

"I was sipping on Mountain Dew, and I watched the Lord keep that can full as if I had never sipped it.  AND HE KEPT IT ICE COLD!!!!!"

I would have fallen on my face and worshiped.

The Fridge Was Empty

I'm sitting in my office eating raw cabbage and Mountain Dew.