Many moons ago, we cut Mama out of our lives. She made one too many public gaffes and it was time to remove the tension and frustration from our lives. After 10 years, we finally were able to breathe freely. We no longer had someone trying to insert themselves into our relationship. Our life was our own.
Since the day we cut her off, we have received one note saying that she thought of us while eating a bowl of mac n' cheese. Not steak and eggs or caviar and pickles, but mac n' cheese.
Until today. We received a package in the mail from Mama. On the "envelope" which was nothing more than recycled packaging tape, was inscribed, "VERY, VERY BEST THING NOT TO OPEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS MORNING :)." Oops... In it was the following:
To Me:
Joseph,
The nature of the gifts to your children are such that if they receive them soon, they will love them, and the memory, all their lives. But, if too much time goes by before they receive them, the gifts will seem too childish and have lost their magical gleam. So, come soon.....soon.....
Love, Mama
[Again, as you will see over and over again in these letters and others I transcribe in this series, she enjoys the power of control. Holding gifts hostage until she gets what SHE wants. But wait...it gets worse.]
To my wife, Kristine:
Love you, daughter, Mama Mary.
[She has been trying to get my wife to call her that for years. It's uncomfortable and will not happen. A sane person would accept anything. But, don't focus on that. Zero in on the fact that she sends my bride a one-liner and then never mentions her again in any of the other kid's notes. I don't know why. Curious.]
To Renaya, my 9 year old daughter (in which she folds a $1 bill):
Dear Renaya,
For you I have a cat (a kitten :)). Not a real one, but a statue that sits on your dresser and you can rub its smooth coolness just before you hop into your bed each night.
And Renaya, can you tell your little brother Jack that for him I have a white and cotton-candy-pink trike airplane with pedals, that he can ride down the sidewalk on? And for your baby sister Analisse, a red, white, and blue trike airplane, a smaller one that she can sit on and push herself along with her feet. But the two trike airplanes are buried under the wall crumbles at the back of the basement, so when yourr family comes we'll need to dig them out and clean them up in the bathtub, or if it is Spring, outside with a hose.
Here is a dollar for you, Renaya, as earnest on the promise. But the promise will end sometime. You can ask your Daddy when that will be. I wrote it in his letter. :)
Love, Grandmama, XO!
[WOW! She tells my 9 year old that she can have a statue to rub every night and then begs her to come over and dig out some old toys in a crumbling basement, clean them up and give them to her sister and brother. Worse yet, she gives the girl a dollar but puts a guilt trip on her, stating that the dollar is only a bribe IF she gets her dear old daddy to bring her over.
How sick. Actually, I think she is sick. Something has or is going to snap soon.]
To Laura, my 8 year old daughter (in which she folds a $1 bill):
Dear Laura Rose,
For you I have a cat (a kitten :)). Not a real one, but a statue that sits on your dresser and you can rub its smooth coolness just before you hop into your bed each night. There is a black one, and a cream-and-brown one, and you and Renaya can decide which one each of you would like as your own.
When your family comes, we can wrap the kittens well, so they will not break on the way home.
Here is a dollar for you, Laura Rose, as earnest on the promise. But, the promise will end sometime. You can ask your Daddy when that will be. I wrote it in his letter. :)
Love, Grnadmama XO!
P.S. Here is a kiss and a hug for Jack XO! and for Analisse XO! Will you give them to them for me? Thank you.
[Quite repetitious. Another bribe. Another guilt trip. And a bald-faced lie. She never gave me a specified time. She said "soon". That's pretty relative.]
To Frederic, my 6 year old son(in which she folds a $1 bill):
Dear Frederic,
For you I have a puppy, not a real one :), but a statue that sits on your dresser so you can rub the cool smoothness of its head before you jump into bed each night.
When your family comes to my house, we can wrap the puppy up real good so it will not break on the way home.
Here is a dollar for you, Frederic, as earnest on the promise. You can ask your Daddy what "earnest" means. :)
Love, Grandmama XO!
[Fred. It means "bribe". She gives you a dollar to get something back. We're calling her bluff. Enjoy the Christmas money.]
To Felicity, my 4 year old daughter (in which she folds a $1 bill and tapes a quarter):
Dear Felicity,
For you I have a horse (a pony :)). Not a real one, but a wooden one like your cousin's that sits on your dresser, and before you hop into bed each night you can rock it while it sits on your dresser, and listen to it go "clickety clack, clickety clack", as if it was trotting down the street!
[Perfectly fine note for a 4 year old. But it isn't the gift she is focusing on, as you'll see when I finish this note, rather, it is the power she wants when she sees us walk to her door. It's sick to use kids as pawns.
Now, back to the letter to Felicity...]
When your family comes to my house we can put it in a box for you to carry safely home to put on your dresser.
Here is a dollar for you, Felicity, as earnest. You can ask your Daddy what "earnest" means. :)
And Felicity, can you give this quarter to Jack so he can put it in his piggy bank? Thank you.
Love, Grandmama XO!
Note: All punctuation in the letters was hers.
Well, there you have it. She's bat cap crazy.
