Parents Spying on Their Adult(ish) Children

This post is going to be a bit different from what I have done in the past.  I’m going to write my thoughts, and then open it up to my readers to give their input.  Please don’t hesitate to chime in, even if you disagree with what I have to say.  I want all different perspectives.  Thanks in advance!

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The Chauvinistic Authority Doctrine (CAD) requires a father to monitor and control their children’s every movement and even their every thought.  If their nose hairs so much as twitch out of line, this doctrine states that there is rebellion in the son’s or daughter’s soul.  This also goes for that man’s wife.   Nothing does, nor should it, escape his careful and searching eye.  In the isolated instance that something does, that individual or inanimate object must come clean immediately in order to continue in the good graces of the god man.

Sometimes, a CAD man will spy on his young adult and adult “children” through hacking into social media that they use.  By spying, we are not talking about viewing their profiles and posts.  Rather, it is the act of hacking into their accounts and viewing their private chats and messages.  

Frankly, unless the parent has initially told the child that they will be doing this, I don’t know that I would EVER condone this practice.   That is none of the parent's business.  This is an adult we’re talking about here – the parent's peer.  Would the parent’s co-workers appreciate it if it was discovered that he was hacking into whatever electronic medium they were using to communicate with others, just to keep tabs on them, having not been informed of this potentiality in the Employee Handbook?  If it WAS in the Handbook, go to town!

But, let’s look at the child psychology that is at play here and then we’ll check in on the parent’s, later on.

If I was a teen or young adult, living in a CAD dad’s house (or even not living there…) and was informed that I was going to be hacked or spied on, every second of every day, it would take a Forrest Gump-like psyche to actually leave electronic tracks that could incriminate me ANYWHERE on the cyberwaves.  And I mean ANYWHERE!  I would do my darndest to hide anything and everything from my overbearing old man.  If he ever caught up with me, I would deny, deny, deny.  He wouldn’t get a shred of truth out of me.  And, if he did happen to beat or squeeze it forth (sadly, a CAD adherer will do this to their “children” of any age…I know…I’m living proof), I would learn my lesson so well that it would take Houdini and six of his relatives to even catch a scent of what I was continuing to cook.  It’s that simple.

Now, here is my take on the parent.  CAD dad, if you have to hack into your adult children’s social media to keep your hyper-religious, uber-obligatory tabs on them, you’ve failed buddy.  Big time!  If you’re adult children need your guiding hand at that level here’s a simple news flash (I’ll put it in caps so it’s easier for you to read):

THEY WILL NOT MAKE IT AS ADULTS NOW OR EVER!!!

How do I know this?  Well, it’s quite simple, actually.  If you have held your children’s hands throughout their life so much so that they cannot get breakfast on their own without your permission, where they cannot so much as even take a piss without your say-so, where they can’t even go out on the town for a night without worrying about what you are thinking WHILE they party and what you will think WHEN they return, you’ve failed to rear forward thinking, self-sufficient, successful offspring.  In short, you lost.  Get over it. 

But there’s more at stake here.  Especially for adult children – Why, as a parent, do we want them to be protected from everything?  As an adult who has been on your own for years, you don’t have someone holding your hand, every step of the way, shielding you from impending – many times, imagined – danger.  Why can’t a CAD parent allow his teen, young adult, and adult children to fail?  To fall?  To hit rock bottom?  To get Crispy Creamed?

The fact is, if negative things DO happen to them, the last thing they will do is come crawling home to dear old dad for solace because, after all, they failed him.  If they had only done what he told them to do at every point in their lives, nothing bad would have happened to them.  Thus, the bad thing that caused them to fail was only due to not allowing the guiding hand to do all the work.  What’s worse, what if the bad thing happened WHILE the guiding hand was doing all the work?  Who to go to then?

I want to be waiting to lick the wounds of my children if they ever come crawling back home.  I want them to want to come to me for my advice.  Not out of expectation, but because I’m an insecure loser of a father and I am easily flattered.  They don’t even need to need it.  Just fake it once in a while.  But most importantly, I want to have taught them all the foundational lessons that I think they’ll need when they jump from the nest and fly away – hoping beyond all hope, that they won’t be as much a screw-up as their dear old daddy was.

With all that desire, more than likely, they’ll end up asking their mommy instead.

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So, what do you think?  Did I miss something?  Am I way off base?  My oldest is only nine.  Am I in for a surprise?  Do tell!