Monday, June 1, 2015

Fingernails Are a Lot Like Avocados

Avocados. The worst food known to humankind. Worst food for planning, that is.

You know the drill. Go out to Costco, buy a bag of six avocados. They're green and hard. Arrive home, set them on the counter beside the stove, then wait. Every few hours, you go back and squeeze one of two of them.

Still hard.

You go to bed. Wake up. Go directly to the bag of little green footballs, and squeeze a few of them.

Still hard.

Go to work. Arrive home. Squeeze. Still hard.

Get ready for bed. Go to counter. Squeeze. A little softer. But still hard.

Go brush your teeth and then, for good measure, walk back to the bag on the counter to check onece more before bed.


There is literally a three-minute window where one can make guacamole or a sandwich with perfectly ripened avocados.

I've discovered the same thing with fingernails.

I cut mine a few weeks ago. My fingers looked amazing. Then I watched them grow. Very slowly. A week later, it was as if I had cut them the day before. Two weeks later, they were looking rounded and smooth, at that perfect length where, if I wanted to, I could go get a manicure, and the manicurists would mew and crow at how lovely my nails were.

Then, I go to sleep. Wake up. I feel a little itch on my cheek and I reach my hand up to scratch it, coming away with blood on my three-inch nails, four deep gashes right down to my cheekbones, left on my face.

I'm 35 and have yet to calibrate this curse of humankind correctly.


  1. You forgot about raspberries. They have the same 0 to 60 rotten speed!

  2. Put the avocados (out of the ratty plastic bag) in a brown paper bag. Put them in a cupboard. Check the 2nd day and you'll have ripe ones. We had a prolific tree when I was growing up and you could never have enough of them.

    As far as fingernails, it sounds like those damn black hairs that sprout of my chin overnight. I'm not thrilled with those lovely things either.