Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Morbid License Question

The home address on my Minnesota Driver's license has been outdated for about two years.  It's high time I get it renewed.  I drive like a tottery old grandpaw, escaping the watchful eye of our hard-working law enforcement.  I really don't have a problem getting the thing renewed.  Its just that I haven't had the't thought of doing it in my free time - of which I have none.

While I wait for the day when my lazy feet take me to the door of the new licensing center in our town, I have the enviable opportunity to sit and reflect on my answer when the inevitable question from the elderly, over-permed, gray haired, sing-songy voiced lady comes my way.

"Would you like to be an organ donor?"

Now, normally, I consider myself quite a nice person.  If I don't like someone, I can at least pretend that I do, with gusto.  But, if I answer this question in the affirmative, it would be a great disservice to the scores of individuals who would be the unlucky buggars to get my parts.

Let's start from the top and work our way down to the toes.

My hair:

I work in an office where the only approved chair is black colored with a faded slate plastic base.  Unfortunately, I am constantly being reprimanded because I appear to have a white chair.  It's not my fault.  I shampoo with shampoos that claim they relieve dryness so well, they apply a few more sandbags in Fargo.  I even switch shampoos.  I use reverse psychology on my scalp and try anti-oily shampoos.  I have applied Indian oils which causes much nose twitching throughout the day while around anyone and everyone.  Oh, and my hair is gray colored.

My sebaceous glands:

If I don't take a 45 minute shower every day, fleas use my head for toboggan practice.  Scientists have used my sebaceous excretions for the next generation of non-stick cooking materials.  It is all natural and can heat up to 1500 degrees, not to mention the abilty to scrape it clean with steel wool, which would be unnecessary being that it is non-stick material - scientific material to boot.  You would think that my glands would reduce my dandruff.  Not a chance. I have a hat collection that would turn the Queen of England's head.  But, its only because I need a daily hat to wear.  After 24 hours, the hat is so pungent with my slippery noggin's oils, it slides down over my ears and begs for a wash.  I must oblige.

My ears:

I guess there is nothing wrong with my ears.  I live in a 4000+ square foot home (that we got for a screaming foreclosure deal) and I can hear my six children spilling water on the third floor while I am using a Craftsman 18780 Evolv 12 Amp Corded 7 Inch Circular Saw with a diamond blade to cut limestone blocks to build my climate controlled 450 square foot wine cellar in the basement.  But, I consider excellent hearing a curse.  My 97 year old grandfather is the luckiest man alive.  His selective hearing can be used as a weapon - keeping him out of many a family argument or sticky situation, or even just a visit with the in-laws.  I'm jealous.

My cheeks:

I shave once a week so the shock to the skin makes skin moisturizers act like desert rain.  They do nothing but slide right off.  This causes my perpetual eczema on the side of my mouth to enjoy its day in the sun, or the office fluorescent light.  If I use creams on the eczema, it brightens the sores up like a Christmas tree.  I have caused numerous accidents on my trips in to work.  Kristine tries to tell me its because I'm very handsome, but I know better. be continued...   (I'm being called to clean the house.  Check back for the next thing on the list - my lips)