I have a small problem: I trust everyone. That's bad, as I've found out over the last 32 years of my life. The realization that there are many people who aren't worthy of your honesty and openness cuts me to the core because I love to bare my soul to anyone and everyone.
To me, life is too short to be worrying about what another person will think if I tell them something or whether or not that person will use the information that I am telling them in a negative way down the road. More often than not, they don't, but I have been burned before.
And that hurts.
I look at humanity and want to love unconditionally. As a young boy, I did just that. Growing up, I did even more. Christian Fundamentalism grabbed me by the throat and tried to strangle my love for humanity out of me and replace it with a disdain for anyone not like me (or like the person I was supposed to be, but never was). It succeeded in creating a compartmentalization of my heart.
One area of my heart was reserved for the logical pushing away of those that were "evil", while the part of my heart that cared for others as people allowed itself to hide and be forgotten until it the other part ruined my life - which it did a good job of doing.
Suffice it to say that the loving part of me burst forth about two years ago with fresh abandon. I opened up and began to enjoy people. ALL people.
And then I got hurt. And hurt again. And hurt again...and again...and again.
It never stopped.
I would tell myself, "I.C., you idiot! You have to be more careful. When you notice yourself going down that path again...stop! Better yet - STOP OPENING UP TO PEOPLE!"
But I would ignore myself and tell myself to shut up - and get hurt.
Trust me. It's worth it. I think.
To me, life is too short to be worrying about what another person will think if I tell them something or whether or not that person will use the information that I am telling them in a negative way down the road. More often than not, they don't, but I have been burned before.
And that hurts.
I look at humanity and want to love unconditionally. As a young boy, I did just that. Growing up, I did even more. Christian Fundamentalism grabbed me by the throat and tried to strangle my love for humanity out of me and replace it with a disdain for anyone not like me (or like the person I was supposed to be, but never was). It succeeded in creating a compartmentalization of my heart.
One area of my heart was reserved for the logical pushing away of those that were "evil", while the part of my heart that cared for others as people allowed itself to hide and be forgotten until it the other part ruined my life - which it did a good job of doing.
Suffice it to say that the loving part of me burst forth about two years ago with fresh abandon. I opened up and began to enjoy people. ALL people.
And then I got hurt. And hurt again. And hurt again...and again...and again.
It never stopped.
I would tell myself, "I.C., you idiot! You have to be more careful. When you notice yourself going down that path again...stop! Better yet - STOP OPENING UP TO PEOPLE!"
But I would ignore myself and tell myself to shut up - and get hurt.
Trust me. It's worth it. I think.
It's worth it. You just have to remember the really great parts about loving others when someone uses it to gnaw at your shadow. I have to remind myself of that too.
ReplyDeleteIt's all about boundaries. Growing up with an N mom, you do not learn to create healthy boundaries. All or nothing is all you know. Mom wants all of you, and in the end, you can't give even a tiny bit of yourself because she will never respect that. I think that's how we learn all or nothing.
ReplyDeleteI'm fifty now, and I only now getting to a place where I think I can set good boundaries. Of course I always credit EMDR therapy with getting here.
It'll come. One day you'll understand that yes your heart is precious, but that not everyone appreciates the gift (yet). You can care for your heart as a precious treasure, one that you only bring out to select people. You will allow yourself the luxury of slowing down and getting to know people's character before you make yourself vulnerable to them. You can do that without becoming suspicious and hard-hearted, because it's not that people are evil. It's that they aren't yet in a place to appreciate such a precious gift.
You love your children, but you don't give them delicate blown glass ornaments for Christmas. You give them sturdy toys. In the same way, you can learn to be selective about what you share with whom. You won't share the precious delicate things with people you are not sure will appreciate them and handle them with honor. But you can still share a joke and a fun opinion about the latest movie you saw. You can share something with everyone.
At least I think that's appropriate commentary. If not, blow it off. Love ya, bro!