Thursday, September 19, 2013

Smash Your Television With an Axe to Keep Your Wife In Line

Pastor Larry Brown is a sexist, fearmongering, radical.  According to him, television - anything with a screen, for that matter - is the reason why wives don't participate in their duties, like cooking and getting pregnant. 

Larry gets the crowd pumped up by yelling platitudes like...
"Of all the things that have destroyed our testimony, that have wronged our homes.  You're looking at it right there...that's it," Brown says, directing the whooping crowd's attention toward the old television on the stage.
The crowd gets louder.

Then, he starts listing everything the television has destroyed.

  • Monopoly - Brown gets it wrong here.  KIDS destroy monopoly.  They see the money, the houses, the cards, the small silver play pieces and think, "Hey!  I bet I can stuff this in a purse!"  Or, "You know what?  These twenty-dollar bills would look really good, floating around in the dog's water bowl.
  • Family time - Wow.  Some of my favorite memories of family time happened around the television. We've watched movies, played Wii, dancing until the Wii hours of the morning, enjoyed football, threw stuff at the television when the Minnesota Twins lost (there would be much less of a mess if we threw stuff at the television when the Twins actually win a game), stared at the thing when the screen went dark, wondering why, then noticing that all the power was off.  Yes.  Television is one way to enjoy good family time.
  • Husband and wife fellowship - Well now.  I'm blushing.  There is nothing like watching a horror movie, blood and guts flying all over the place, proper death sounds emitting from the gasping mouths of those disemboweled alive, feeling her hand lightly touch yours, and hitting the pause button to enjoy some hot fellowship.
  • Good readers in your home - My kids can read just fine.  They eat books.  Renaya (11) will have read through the entire local library by the time she reaches 15 years of age.
  • Picnics - Just take a look between the fibers of the carpet.  There are full seven course meals in there.
  • Checkers, Scrabble - Done and done.  Especially when the kids are watching Sponge Bob.
  • All dirty rotten things - Unless, of course, you're watching Larry Brown give a sermon about smashing televisions.
But Larry doesn't stop there.  He sneaks an axe onto the stage and obliterates the dear old TV with it.

The crowd loses it.  One can imagine, if the camera were to pan the audience, you would see people running up and down the aisles, stomping their feet, high five-ing their buddy next to them, who they just spent an evening with, the other night, watching American Idol. Yes, these religious crowds love this sort of thing.

And then Brown hits his stride.  Assuming a combative position, the axe in both hands, he confidently tells the crowd that their wives would never argue with them about smashing the television.  The audience wonders why he is so confident and he gives them what they want by demonstrating how to look completely insane with an axe in your hands, when your wife walks in the room.  

We get the message.  

Women love television and men hate it that their wives are bringing that filth into their holy home.  Only men desire to rid their homes of this evil presence.  Women will want to argue and beg for the television to stay.  Men must take it upon themselves to ignore her and do that which is right.  Women then will wait it out and later beg for the television to return.  A man's only option is to threaten her with an axe - cementing the idea into the woman's mind, that she is to go back into the kitchen and begin supper.

Well played, Larry Brown.  Well played.  And to Ms. Brown, make sure you know the address of your nearest women's shelter.  Oh...and all you women in that crowd.  You too.


  1. LOL I think I have requested to rid our lives of TV far more than my husband has...

  2. Yeah preacher-boy Brown, use an axe to force your will on your wife...way to go.

  3. This man is NOT well-adjusted. I worry for his wife.