Sunday, March 11, 2012

Marriage Without Sex is Meaningless

There.  I said it.  But, before you grab the pitchforks and scythes to come tear me to bits, let me explain.

I am thirty-one years old.  To me, sex with the woman I love is the most important activity in the world.  Even more important than breathing.  If you heard a news report that a plane my wife and I were on was crashing to the earth in a ball of flames, you could bet a whole pile of paychecks on what we were "doing" as it fell from the sky.  No way am I going to waste my last dying breaths on being scared. 

Years ago, I worked for an old friend of mine as a power lineman.  On my crew was a young man, about my age, who wasn't married and couldn't last in a relationship longer than a few dates.  He would always lament the fact that, in southwest Minnesota, the only girls available to date were ones that were already married, or who had kids.  By "date", he meant, the ability to jump in the sack with him.

One day, he came to work looking a little ragged.  Every few minutes or so, he would look over his shoulder.  His eyes would flit back and forth throughout the day. Finally, at lunch, I asked him what his issue was.  Apparently, the night before, he had been caught by the husband of a married "girlfriend" he was copulating with.  The gentleman ran him off his property and threatened him with bodily harm.  For the next few days, my co-worker was very careful who he went out with.  Then, when the trouble blew over, he went back to his winning ways.

A few months later, the daughter of my boss, who was in her 50's was having a warm conversation with my wife and I in the company office.  We began talking about my co-worker when she told this little story:

"Last night, my husband and I were in bed together.  He snuggled up close and grabbed my hand and began rubbing it.  For the next hour, he did nothing but massage my hand until we both fell asleep."

Then, she went on about how she didn't understand how my co-worker only saw sex as a means for love.  Love in a relationship was so much more.

For years, I have thought of that story and held it in high esteem.  I still do.  But I have finally decided that I, as a young whippersnapper of a married man, do not understand it at all.  I know it is true because the various functions of a human being wax and wane as we get older, but my understanding of the beauty of it is merely theoretical. 

Now, I do many things for my wife and she for me that have nothing to do with sex.  But if I could not look forward to the frosting on the cake of life, I wouldn't find much value in those myriad other things. 

All of this leads up to a simple premise.  I am convinced that, when I hit the age of 50 years old, the value of sex in marriage will be severely diminished and, in its place will be the hour-long hand massage.  At that point in my life, I will look confidently on a twenty-something, young fool, and say, "marriage without an hour long hand massage is meaningless."

And that idea scares me to death.


  1. Well, I'm close to fifty and I'd take an hour of much more stimulating activity (yes, I mean sex) over hand-rubbing. OTOH, if I had arthritis, that hand-rub might be orgasmic. Who knows?

  2. Haha! I knew I'd get a comment like that. This boss' daughter had fibromyalgia so your comment made a lot of sense.

    But, for those of us who have no such ailments, maybe I should have slid the age up to 90?

  3. Shocking as it might seem, people over 50 still have sex and enjoy it. I can attest to this from personal experience.

  4. @joe i know, in your story, you mentioned a young man who couldn't stay in a relationship & jumped into the sack with the marrieds and one's who have kids.

    but what are your thoughts on ppl, who live 2/gether who have made a commitment but not one of paper, who are happy and love each other? also, what are your thoughts on ppl who live 2/gether who eventually wind up getting married & are happily married?

    i'm just curious. i know 2 separate couples who lived 2/gether b/4 marriage and both have successful marriages & one couple who lives 2/g who are happy & love each other.

    i for one am completely content with living with and being "committed" & not married. this is new for me but i'm @ peace with it.

  5. You have no idea how much that means to me, Anonymous.

  6. Your libido doesn't shrivel up and die when you hit 50. I'm nearly 60 and life is still exciting.
    I can also attest that a round of cuddling on a cold night when the temps hit 38 is nice too.

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  8. Yeah. You get the whole gamut when you write about this subject. I'm seeing singles ads and pleas to ban gay marriage.

  9. frogla, a series of blog posts would be necessary to show my "position" on the issue.

    But, the short version is simple. I have nothing against what you posited. Nothing.

  10. My husband turns 51 this year and let me tell you, the man hasn't by any means turned into some neuter, sexless individual.

    It's plenty busy at my house, and we're quite cheerful about it :)

  11. Hugh Hefner approves of this message.

  12. I sure hope not. If I were Hugh Hefner, I'd be sleeping all day and NOT taking blue pills instead of Bayer Aspirin.

    As glamorous as his life may seem, if you read enough about it (more deeply than the stupid tabloids), he seems quite miserable.

  13. IC, don't sweat it. If you and your wife both find sex fulfilling and important, what's the problem? I don't think there's some magical dichotomy where EITHER sex OR non-sexual contact has to be what's valuable in marriage. Some people are going to be more on one side of the spectrum than the other, and some will be smack in the middle.

    As long as the intimacy you and your spouse share is healthy and mutually valued, you are golden.

  14. I was once interviewing a patient, an man in his 90s who was in remarkably good health for his age. He told me that he and his wife (who had died about 10 years prior) had shared daily intercourse for most of his life, except when intercourse became painful for her around age 70 and they moved to other means of satisfaction. The unspoken assumption was that this was the reason for his longevity.

  15. Our mariage and sex life are definitly meaningless. Married 45 years and had sex once on our wedding night.Husband told me that sex with me was meaning less, pointless, disgusting, messy,smelly not worth the trouble and way to much work for so little. Neither one of us are gay or have any honeys on the side. We live as house mates, he lives in the basement and I upstairs, we live separately in the same house.