Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Great Deceiver: Punishment for Telling

Read Part 1 - The Great Deceiver: Being Primed for Sexual Abuse

When I was in my early 30's I was experiencing unusual body memories that I had no pictures in my mind to match. I happened to be on the phone one day with my mother and mentioned that I was having some strange feelings in my body, like someone was abusing me but I could not remember anything about it. She said very nonchalantly, oh, well, when your sister got married you told me that your brother had done something sexual to you and your brother was standing there and said you wanted it. Her voice tone changed to a more helpless voice tone and she said, "What was I suppose to do? I had to keep getting read for your
sister's wedding!"  I said, "Well surely  you didn't leave me alone with him again did you?" She stated, " We had to." 

Immediately I knew what had happened. 

My brother had told me that he was giving me a good thing but since I told, I was now going to get hurt, he used a broomstick and put it in my anus and rammed it again and again. I cried and cried, he kicked me and left me laying there. I was so glad  when he was done with me. I thought back to when I was five and had decided it was going to get worse.

I was right.

After my brother finished teaching me the lesson and left me alone, I was so alone I wished I had not told him to stop touching me. I started seeking out the neighbor boys and found myself wanting to be available if they wanted to touch me. Now that I had no affection or anyone wanting to spend time with me, I hoped for someone to touch me in any way they wanted to. I would put up with whatever I could get, because I felt so alone.

I now recognize this problem as the very reason that predators can get away with what they do. They know how to find the vulnerable unstable women who were not given the positive affection they needed and they meet this need while satisfying their own sexual needs. This is violation and abuse at its highest levels. It leaves the victim feeling like it was their fault because they liked it and wanted it. This victim cycle will happen until a healthy counselor stops this cycle for the victim and does not follow through on the victims unhealthy desires. At the end of this story I will share about one such counselor that came into my life and helped me past this cycle in my life. If I had not had this latter experience, I would not know this healthy perspective.

Continue to Part 3 - The Great Deceiver: Never Good Enough and Losing Heart

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