Thursday, February 14, 2013

How to Select a New Pope in Modern Times

The Catholic Church is in dire need of alms.  With all the scandals in the west, pedophile priests, increased knowledge and lack of belief in crazy fairy tales (like the idea that paying money to a religious institution having a direct effect on the afterlife...I mean...we laugh at the Egyptians stupidity in burying all the wonders with their royalty and then millions of Catholics do just that), Google, Bing, Yahoo, smart phones, the whole of the interweb, conspiracy theories, The Davinci Code, as well as better toasters that burn fewer slices of toast, society is less apt to believe.

Thus, the Catholic Church needs to shake it up a bit.

Forget the puffs of smoke.  Black means whatever.  White means something else?  Then you have to get it right so you don't get a  mixture.  Environmentalists getting after you for releasing unnecessary carcinogens into the atmosphere.  Potential pope robes catching fire.  You name it.  So many problems.  So old school.

My friend Robbie Kiefer has a better idea:

The Pope Claw.

Here's how you do it:

Take all the potential pontiffs in the running, put them in a modified Popemobile with one of those claws that pick up (they lie!) stuffed animals in a restaurant.  Park it in the middle of St. Peter's square. The faithful can then flock to the Vatican and pay a fee (a few dollars) and then try their hand at The Pope Claw.  

The joystick will be in the shape of a large nail, of course.  The claw, looking like a crown of thorns.

This is a win-win.  The Catholic Church increases its revenue stream and the faithful get to be intimately involved with the pope selection process.

They can even accept credit cards or (gasp!) RFID chip payments.  THAT will get Glenn Beck talking.


  1. The thought of a giant claw picking up a cardinal is really making me laugh.

    It brings to mind the scene from Toy Story with the three eyed aliens "the claw, it is our master". lol.

  2. Ever read The Lottery by Shirley Jackson??