Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Jesus, Please Don't Come Back Yet...I Want to Have Sex

As a child of nine years old, I met a girl at church.  I fell in love.  I fell hard.  Very hard.  I dreamed of her at night, dreamed of asking her dad for her hand in marriage.  Dreamed of me growing up and asking her dad if I could work with him, apprentice with him in his trade.  I wanted so bad to make an impression where she would love me - at 9.

Only problem, I wasn't allowed to talk to girls, really.  Anytime I would, Mama would run over and put herself between me and the girl and remove me from the situation.  I would sneak a joke or two in and when this beautiful girl would giggle and blush, I would wear that on my heart for weeks.

I learned to run these kamikaze missions on girls very well.  As I grew up, any conversation longer than a sentence would cause my face to turn three shades of red.  I realized I couldn't talk to women.

How horrid!

As my teen years commenced, this became more of a problem.  I wasn't very good with women and would trip over all my words.  I'd want to say things but couldn't.  I retreated to simple and hilarious jokes again.  People laughed and yet I felt empty.  I just wanted to talk and have long conversations with the female sex, holding them in my arms, feeling the warm body of womanhood on my skin.

I wanted to have sex, make love, before Jesus came back.

I begged and pleaded for him to stay away.  In church, the preachers would thunder (or, in my case, more often than not, put you to sleep while crooning on and on) about how the world around us made it clear as day that Jesus was coming back soon.  Books and magazines cited prophetic current events that told us that Jesus' return was imminent.  

It never happened.  Every year, the same story.  I began to get excited as the years went by.

I might be able to have sex!!!!  Jesus was waiting for my opportunity.

So I changed my prayers....

"Jesus, just once.  That's all I need.  Just once.  I know you're looking at coming soon - all the signs point to it, but you've waited this long. I'll cut a deal with you.  Just let me have sex once!"

And he did...but more than once.  Waaayyyy more than once.

And I am happy he waited.  


  1. Haha...I used to pray that he wouldn't come back before I could have a husband and kids! lol!

  2. Heh! I recall this line of thinking of yours very well. Other tidbits aren't so clear e.g. not being allowed to converse with girls.

  3. I never hoped that I would have sex before Jesus came back...I was far too successful in my efforts to please my mother and when she told me it was wrong to so much as fantasize about kissing a boy when she and my stepfather would be the ones to choose the "godly young man" I would marry I obediently submerged every bit of sexuality. And while the act of kissing actually sounded pleasant, anything beyond that was quite revolting in my mind. I really think I was asexual up until I went to college and started having crushes and dating guys. Haha, and watching Friends! My roommates were obsessed with the show and while at first I was quite scandalized by the sheer inappropriateness of the show, it served to give me a decent sex ed...