Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Babies Are Evil and Can Kill You In Your Sleep

Cue the venerable Voddie Baucham from Grace Family Baptist Church in Spring, TX.

No Longer Quivering, in their Quoting Quiverfull series, lifted a piece of this gentleman's sermon titled, The Doctrine of Total Depravity, a cornerstone of not only uber-fundamentalism, but also the popularized Calvinism of John Piper (Piper Boy) and Marc Driscoll (Strawberry Boy) of infamy.

Baucham stated the following:

One of the reasons that God makes human babies small is so they won’t kill their parents in their sleep. They’re evil. Yes, this is true of children. ‘None is righteous; no, not one.’…Yes, that little, precious one—you better believe it. If you don’t, you miss the big picture and you don’t realize your desperate need to get the gospel to your child again and again and again and again.

Yes.  You read that correctly.  Babies are not only evil, but they can kill you if they were bigger.  And thus, the obvious conclusion is that they need the gospel, because, everyone who doesn't believe in the gospel murders their parents in their sleep.

Imagine that! A sleepwalking, pacifier sucking, poopy diapered, little urchin, coming at you with a zombie stare and a rigid arm, fingers tightly gripping a knife, forearm swinging roboticly in a downward motion.  Okay...right, babies killing their parents while the parents sleep.  I know.  It was just funnier the other way.

So, the next time you look at your baby, look deep into their perfect eyes.  See the murder there?  The evil?  The spiritual depravity? don't?  Look deeper....

Here's my advice.

Kiss your damn baby and give them a hug so tight they get the point that you love them.  Then release the hug. You don't want to stop their breathing.  Then enjoy that precious perfection.  They deserve your unconditional love.  Not your scorn and hatred for what others say they are, based on artificial truthisms from ancient cultures who had no idea that a woman's menstrual cycle was a natural occurrence, rather than an evil issue.

And celebrate the menstrual cycle too, while you're at it.


  1. I cannot believe that anyone could listen to a sermon like this and think the speaker is serious. What horrible theology. Jesus loved the children. Nothing like misrepresenting the love of Christ for their own edification.

  2. Not sure if,I should laugh or cry! Either way! This is eye opening if, not frightening true or not.
    Sorry to say there are people who starve or otherwise kill their children.I have no Idea why!Except maybe they had bad parents themselves.