Begin reading the series here. Or, go back to Everything but Rape.
*****
Naturally, my day-to-day behavior was getting worse. I was stealing from gas stations, libraries, parents, siblings, etc. etc. I was lying a lot too and home-life was splintering quickly. For whatever reason known only to him, my dad abruptly stopped coming into my room and molesting me once I began working for him at age 15 as a secretary at ICBCI.
Even with my dad’s lessons of orgasm and masturbation and R-rated sex-filled movies, I still had questions. I knew I couldn’t ask anyone so I decided one afternoon to Google “sex” on the computer at work. I learned a lot that day. I had heard the terminology “oral sex” and “homosexuality”, so it was mainly these terms I searched for.
In January 2000, my dad found out because a coworker had checked the internet history and discovered my searches. I denied this vehemently and that night he declared there would never be any hope for me or my future. My mom had been telling me this for years, but my dad and I were strangely close and I trusted him, even with the molestation. I mainly trusted him because he always made himself available to me and paid me positive attention. He had never fully verbally belittled me, or at least it was very mild compared to my mom’s verbal abuse. He was the only adult in my home-life that was nice to me and listened when I needed someone to listen to me. He was like two different people. “Night time dad” was bad but “daytime dad” was a safe rock and refuge. But knowing that BOTH my parents were in agreement and believed there was no hope for me, I swallowed a whole bottle of Tylenol and left a suicide note.
Read Part Eight - Exposing the Hypocrite.
Even with my dad’s lessons of orgasm and masturbation and R-rated sex-filled movies, I still had questions. I knew I couldn’t ask anyone so I decided one afternoon to Google “sex” on the computer at work. I learned a lot that day. I had heard the terminology “oral sex” and “homosexuality”, so it was mainly these terms I searched for.
In January 2000, my dad found out because a coworker had checked the internet history and discovered my searches. I denied this vehemently and that night he declared there would never be any hope for me or my future. My mom had been telling me this for years, but my dad and I were strangely close and I trusted him, even with the molestation. I mainly trusted him because he always made himself available to me and paid me positive attention. He had never fully verbally belittled me, or at least it was very mild compared to my mom’s verbal abuse. He was the only adult in my home-life that was nice to me and listened when I needed someone to listen to me. He was like two different people. “Night time dad” was bad but “daytime dad” was a safe rock and refuge. But knowing that BOTH my parents were in agreement and believed there was no hope for me, I swallowed a whole bottle of Tylenol and left a suicide note.
Read Part Eight - Exposing the Hypocrite.
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