Saturday, June 16, 2012

My First Kiss: A Disgusting, Sloppy Mess

I dated exactly one woman in my life.  Her name was Kristine and she is now my wife of almost eleven years.  Everything about her is 100% kosher and I mean everything.  Psychologists speak of the unhealthy nature of codependency yet I proudly thumb my nose at their drivel and count myself as a codependent card carrier.

Every time I kiss my bride, I get butterflies in my stomach and my toes tingle a little, crackling the yellowing nails and causing the ever-present athlete's foot between my toes to itch.  Even a small peck has this effect on me, except that I don't go in for a peck too often - something that is irritating to Kristine, at times.  I'm all about the five minute long, passionate kiss.

I'll kiss Kristine in the middle of a diaper change, around the shower curtain while shampoo is running into her eyes, at the Gatorade booth mid-marathon, between trombone puffs while she is playing Ludwig van Beethoven's Fifth Symphony in C Minor, whilst she is pulling a shirt over her head, between loud curses while she is struggling over a calculus problem, and even at the 30-second mark of swishing Listerine Mint Mouthwash.  And the kiss will always be the best kiss ever, until the next one.

But it wasn't always that way.

Kristine and I began our dating relationship in a uniquely fundamentalist way - we decided we wouldn't kiss until our wedding day.  Not more than a few hours after meeting her, I kissed her above her top lip and said, "that wasn't a kiss because I didn't kiss you on the lips."  We played this game for about a week until one night, I couldn't take it anymore.

We were passing through the small town of New Ulm, Minnesota, on our way to somewhere from the place we started from, when I veered off the road into a K-Mart parking lot.  Being that it was K-Mart and 7:00PM, there was only a car or two in the lot.  I threw the car in park, unfastened my seat belt, and twisted my body around so that I was on my knees on the passenger side, between her knees, staring straight into her eyes.

I went in for the kiss.

I hit her with an open mouth and saliva started pouring out.  I had no clue how to handle a woman's lips and she valiantly tried to come up for air, drowning in the thick and bubbly fluid.  We giggled our way through it, trying many a move for about 45 minutes.  Then, I gave her a long, passionate hug for another fifteen minutes, twisted back into my seat, and drove away.

Kristine was silent for a mile or two.

"Was that good?", I asked.

"No...," she said, matter of factly, ending with one of her adorably sexy, deep-throated giggles that began in her lower chest.

And from that moment, I purposed to improve.  I have to say, these days, the final kiss in Princess Bride has nothing on us.

Just don't ask Kristine.


  1. My husband learned to kiss on a Teen Missions trip. A hearty "thank you" to that girl. She taught him well. <3

  2. Shadow - on a Teen Missions trip???? I went when I was 14 with Teen Missions and I'd never met a TMI kid that was able to get a kiss in on one of those trips. I think your hubby and that girl achieved the impossible!

    Interesting fact: my 12-year old daughter leaves in 9 days for her first Teen Missions trip. She better not be learning to kiss at that age!

    1. Well, they went to the missionary boarding school where he had lived for several years, so he knew the place well. Plus, they were way older than your nice, seniors in high school, and growing up fundie teaches you one thing really well, how to hide!


    2. Oh, don't I know all about hiding things well. :)

  3. This post is awesome! Kristine is a lucky girl, even in spite of the slobbery mess you made of that first kiss. :)

  4. hahahahahhaha. OMG awesome post. My first kiss was pretty sloppy too, but your story is just adorable <3

  5. Hey, you tried. Practice makes perfect right? I feel like we are still discovering kissing. We had the fundie start too, and FINALLY kissed (breaking the no-kissing before marriage rule) 8 days before the wedding, and it was kind of a head bumping, tongue in the way, nose smooshing kind of kiss. So then we practiced kissing for 8 days, and then we got married and had sex instead. I feel like we never really had much time to spend kissing, we only thought about it a couple of years after marriage where we realized that we kissed each other often, but we had never really had actual make-out sessions. We are now trying to make up for lost time, and I agree with you, kissing gets way way better with time.