Begin reading the series here. Or, go back to A Curious Child.
*****
During this time at the ITC, my dad started exhibiting strange behavior. First it was simply cuddling while he cupped my butt. Then he would hold me and rub himself against me over and over and over again. He’d make me stand up and wrap my arms around his waist while he held me close and gyrated against me. Then he received keys that allowed him access to any empty room at the ITC.
Occasionally, he would enter the room and have me follow him down the hall to a separate, locked room. Once my older sibling asked him what he needed me for and he said he was praying with me down the hall. He wasn’t praying, he was holding and groping me through my clothes. But he insisted he was counseling and praying over me to anyone who asked.
Once, he woke me up in the middle of the night, took me across the hall to an empty room that only he had access too. He sat down in the chair and begged to see me naked. He promised he wouldn’t touch; he would only “look.” I started crying and refused. He took me back to my room and had me lay spread eagled on my back while he pulled my underwear down and caressed my pubic area while murmuring, “You’re so beautiful.”
I didn’t know this was molestation. I didn’t know this was sexual abuse. I didn’t know I was being groomed by a pedophile. I didn’t even know for sure if what he was doing was WRONG since HE was the one who beat me and separated me for doing far LESS than what he was doing now. All I knew was that I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t want to live separated from the family for the rest of my life and I didn’t want my dad touching me. So I started to fantasize about cutting my wrists, overdosing, or throwing myself off the thirteenth story of the ITC.
During this time, I began to over eat and steal from family members. This made my mom hate me even more. She told me things like, “You should never have been born. I wish I had never laid eyes on you.” Then of course, to make everything she said “godly,” she would iterate, “And if you lived in the Bible times, we’d have you stoned to death.” Great. So on one hand my dad is molesting me while my mother is saying that by God’s mouth and if it was legally possible, I would be put to death at age 11 and 12. Nice. In the meantime, my dad was leading me in all sorts of prayers for demonization, giving ground to Satan, and generational curses as means to stop behavior that resulted from his hand.
Read Part Six - Everything but Rape.
Occasionally, he would enter the room and have me follow him down the hall to a separate, locked room. Once my older sibling asked him what he needed me for and he said he was praying with me down the hall. He wasn’t praying, he was holding and groping me through my clothes. But he insisted he was counseling and praying over me to anyone who asked.
Once, he woke me up in the middle of the night, took me across the hall to an empty room that only he had access too. He sat down in the chair and begged to see me naked. He promised he wouldn’t touch; he would only “look.” I started crying and refused. He took me back to my room and had me lay spread eagled on my back while he pulled my underwear down and caressed my pubic area while murmuring, “You’re so beautiful.”
I didn’t know this was molestation. I didn’t know this was sexual abuse. I didn’t know I was being groomed by a pedophile. I didn’t even know for sure if what he was doing was WRONG since HE was the one who beat me and separated me for doing far LESS than what he was doing now. All I knew was that I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t want to live separated from the family for the rest of my life and I didn’t want my dad touching me. So I started to fantasize about cutting my wrists, overdosing, or throwing myself off the thirteenth story of the ITC.
During this time, I began to over eat and steal from family members. This made my mom hate me even more. She told me things like, “You should never have been born. I wish I had never laid eyes on you.” Then of course, to make everything she said “godly,” she would iterate, “And if you lived in the Bible times, we’d have you stoned to death.” Great. So on one hand my dad is molesting me while my mother is saying that by God’s mouth and if it was legally possible, I would be put to death at age 11 and 12. Nice. In the meantime, my dad was leading me in all sorts of prayers for demonization, giving ground to Satan, and generational curses as means to stop behavior that resulted from his hand.
Read Part Six - Everything but Rape.
I feel great sorrow for you. I was told that I would be stoned if it were legal too. I am so sorry. :'(
ReplyDeleteShadowspring, I just don't get it. I've heard many others say their parents pulled the stoning line with them too. I just don't understand that mentality at all.
ReplyDelete